I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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