Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
