I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
These tits shall not be calmed
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
