i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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