Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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