he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
They are going to name an STD after you.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
