Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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