I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
