She said her name was "party"
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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