if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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