my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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