i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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