Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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