Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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