if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
