If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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