even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize