Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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