They should really pass out barf bags in church
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
