I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
