some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
