I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
