3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
