She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
