I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
