Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
