Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize