addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
