He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
