Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
