so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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