He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize