My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
