see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
