Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
