My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
