actually, I'm a sock model
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
