So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
