Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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