Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
