Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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