My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
