he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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