I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
