well he's currently spooning the coffee table
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
