I am midnight drunk by noon
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
