literally had 100 drinks last night.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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