On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
a search helicopter?!
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize