I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
