oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
