I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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