Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I didn't notice because vodka
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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