i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
