My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize