Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
