I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
