theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
