Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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