My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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