Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
They have beer where we have blood.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize