now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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