shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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