Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
