Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
