she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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