Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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