I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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